The Next Step.

Do you just Know?

Recently, I had a discussion with one of my newly married friends. The topic of, "the next
step came up."
When I say, the next step, I'm referring to that next step in life called marriage. My friend, who we will call Jane, dated her boyfriend whom I will call, Bob for several years, and knew he was "the one". My question is: Was she so certain that Bob was the one, or was it convenient and the next logical step? Her response, "I just knew", but did she?? I feel like Jane had a certain plan set in her mind that went something like this: Graduation, marriage, 9-5 job, kids.- in that order. To some extent I am under the impression that "Bob" fit perfectly into this set plan. Jane is now 27, and she and Bob are expecting their first child, how perfect.

Maybe I'm just jealous because I used to have this plan in my head too, but I quickly learned that life isn't about strategic planning. John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens to you, while you are busy making other plans." Boy, have I found this to be so incredibly true. At 25, I thought I would surely be in love and married by 28 with a picket-fence, golden retriever, etc. Big laugh. What I'm trying to say is, you can't rely on your mental check-list, guidelines, or the next step. In short, what happens, happens, and their isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

As far as marriage goes, I think we can all agree that marriage is based upon a large number of things, and one of those ingredients being timing. Call me crazy, but the idea of "college sweethearts" and marriage sickens me. Let's face it, between the ages of 18-22, you don't know who you are. I think this is a learning process. Someone I know very well dated a guy from the age of 19-23, she knew he was probably going to be "the one". Why?-- because they had dated for so long, and she would graduate soon.. and sadly to say, it was the next step. Low and behold, one day she woke up, and realized this guy definitely was not marriage material, at least not for her. When she broke it down, they shared no common interests, no similar life goals, basically they were like oil and water in the worst way possible. The only thing that had held them together over the years was well, the years, and maybe comfort. Thankfully, she realized it before it was too late.

I, as many people do, want to be absolutely sure- Sure that the person I marry is the one I will grow old with. In other words I don't want to have any doubt in my mind when I walk down that aisle or years later. I don't want to get a divorce, and I don't want my significant other or myself to stray-- no excuses.

One of my close guy friends once told me that he was hesitant to get into any serious relationship that could result in marriage, because he wasn't just quite ready to settle down yet. He's approaching 30, I thought to myself, he should have all of this craziness out of his system . I immediately told him he was a player and thought his excuses were preposterous.

The more I thought about it, I concluded that he may be right. I guess in his mind he feels that he has to be sure that the person he commits to is the right one, because he doesn't want something bad to happen. He also told me that he had his heart broken, which also equaled trust issues on his part that were not so easy to overcome.

I kept digging for answers when he told me something very interesting. Several years earlier when he attended school in small town near VA, he said he let someone go. He told me he casually dated someone for a brief period of time, and thought she could possibly end up with her, but not at that time. He told her to date other people, and hadn't talked to her since. God, what an asshole I thought.

My friend assured me at the time it was the best thing, but now at the age of 30, wishes he could go back. I told him to call her up, and tell her. "Not so easy", he said. I questioned him on his mistake, asking if it was better to in his words: "let someone go" or see if the relationship will grow if he thought she could "be the one." He said he didn't know, adding that then he was afraid of hurting her because he wasn't ready to settle down, but now regrets not trying because maybe they could have made things work. Foolish on his part, selfish, cautious? Maybe all of the above. Whose to know? Marriage in his case, wouldn't be the next step; if he had given it time, could it possibly have been the right step, which was next for his happy ending? Maybe. Do you know how you feel after watching one of those sappy romantic movies when the guy is too late? At this point I felt as if I was living one for my friend, I felt bad for him.

After talking with three different people with three very different outcomes on the subject of marriage, I came to one conclusion. When it comes to marriage, you have to know deep down that you've gotten all that "player" out of your system (for guys at least), you're significant other has to be your friend- a person with your shared interests, and you can't be afraid to "see what happens"- you may regret it later as my friend does. Most importantly, I think you just know when it's right.