Respect- no relationship can go without it.
Why is it that so many people forget this one important factor when building a relationship? Overlooking this key ingredient may be fine in the beginning, but very soon it will catch up with you.
In any relationship we all want the same thing respect. You want to be with someone who will support you in everything you do and in turn you will support them in that same way. When you appreciate someone, they should not only tell you, but show you. You can tell someone they are great all day long, but until you actually show them, words are useless. Also, if you do not have respect for someone, how can they have respect for you?
Many guys as well as girls often lack this in relationship from the very beginning. Which is one of the many reasons they fell in relationships. Of course no 2 minds think alike, but it's important to realize this, and value others opinions even if it's different from your own. Respect not only means having respect for the other person, but also having respect for yourself. If someone treats you like a jerk, don't be a doormat, respect yourself.
"You should be with someone who treats you well all the time." --no explanation needed here. Have standards, it's the only way to figure out the respect you have for yourself, and make others realize how they should respect you. Showing respect for someone can mean calling when you say you will. This gesture may be quit simple, but it's a small step that leads towards ultimate respect. Remember relationships are about building and growing.
If something upsets you, or you didn't like the way someone behaved, tell them.. no need to let things slide, over time you will just be hurting yourself. Remember, no one is a mind reader, and it's the only way for others to discover your standards. However, common gestures of respect need not be explained. If the person you are with, doesn't know these simple things by now, they are never gonna get it. (You know what common courtesy and respect is).
Lastly, don't make excuses for someone who doesn't treat you with respect. In the long run you are only disrespecting and hurting yourself. The sooner you stop making excuses for your significant other, the better.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Forget your What if's
Turn your what if's into What nows
We all do it, "What if I wouldn't have said that stupid remark", "What if I was still dating ___, how would things be different", "What if I never find the right guy". My advice to you is forget your what-if's and start living in a "what now" world. In relationships or anywhere else for that matter-- you can't go around wondering and worrying what you say is going to make you less appealing to someone. In relationships you have to be yourself. If you can't be who you are, then you might as well forget it.
For example, if you're a funny person, you should be that funny person around your significant other/date. You should not have to pretend to be something you're not (don't be a poser). If you're not being yourself in a relationship, sooner or later, the true you is going to show through, and the other person may or may not like it. You should be as upfront as possible-- be you!! If you're trying to impress someone for all the wrong reasons, you'll end up having to play this little game for as long as the relationship lasts. (and that could be for a long time.) If someone doesn't like the "true you" then you may as well move on, their loss. If the other person genuinely cares for you, they will love the true you.
Another "what if" question that will wreak havoc on your dating life is: "What if I was still with ___, I'll bet things would be good." No, No, No! Guess what, you're not with ___, so stop wondering what life would be like if you were. Turn this thought into "What now". Think positively. Their is a reason you aren't with that person at this moment in time, and it's for the best.
"What if I never find the right guy?" Honey, if you haven't found him by now, you're probably not going to. Totally kidding! Don't worry about being the old lady with all the cats, you won't be. There is someone out there for you (see The Mythical Mr Right). Hey, he could be right in front of you, but you're too worried about what life would be like with ____. Stop it!
By turning you're what if's into what now's you will begin to let go of all the negative energy that surrounds your relationship world. As soon as you do this, you will begin to see things the way they should be seen, in a new and more refreshing light. I urge you to stop wondering the way things could have been and start thinking of the way things are going to be--from here on out.
We all do it, "What if I wouldn't have said that stupid remark", "What if I was still dating ___, how would things be different", "What if I never find the right guy". My advice to you is forget your what-if's and start living in a "what now" world. In relationships or anywhere else for that matter-- you can't go around wondering and worrying what you say is going to make you less appealing to someone. In relationships you have to be yourself. If you can't be who you are, then you might as well forget it.
For example, if you're a funny person, you should be that funny person around your significant other/date. You should not have to pretend to be something you're not (don't be a poser). If you're not being yourself in a relationship, sooner or later, the true you is going to show through, and the other person may or may not like it. You should be as upfront as possible-- be you!! If you're trying to impress someone for all the wrong reasons, you'll end up having to play this little game for as long as the relationship lasts. (and that could be for a long time.) If someone doesn't like the "true you" then you may as well move on, their loss. If the other person genuinely cares for you, they will love the true you.
Another "what if" question that will wreak havoc on your dating life is: "What if I was still with ___, I'll bet things would be good." No, No, No! Guess what, you're not with ___, so stop wondering what life would be like if you were. Turn this thought into "What now". Think positively. Their is a reason you aren't with that person at this moment in time, and it's for the best.
"What if I never find the right guy?" Honey, if you haven't found him by now, you're probably not going to. Totally kidding! Don't worry about being the old lady with all the cats, you won't be. There is someone out there for you (see The Mythical Mr Right). Hey, he could be right in front of you, but you're too worried about what life would be like with ____. Stop it!
By turning you're what if's into what now's you will begin to let go of all the negative energy that surrounds your relationship world. As soon as you do this, you will begin to see things the way they should be seen, in a new and more refreshing light. I urge you to stop wondering the way things could have been and start thinking of the way things are going to be--from here on out.
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Monday, February 9, 2009
What's It Take??
What does it take for a Relationship to Work?
There is no magical formula, secret recipe or specific set of rules to follow in order to have a great relationship. The key ingredient to having a happy and healthy relationship consists of a combination of many things. Honesty, trust, dependability, communication, and humor are all important factors when it comes to maintaining a lasting partnership. And for the most part, I feel these topics are clutch for any lasting partnership. In other words, honesty, trust, dependability, communication and humor are the bricks in the house you two are building of love and trust. And you better believe if you two can't lay this one "stupid brick down, you ain't ever gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside."
Honesty--you have to be as upfront as possible with each other even if it means hurting someones feelings. Well, maybe not that far--if your significant other asks, "Does this dress make me look fat", I guess it would be okay to not answer in complete honesty. But yes; honesty, honesty, honesty, can't live without it--it's what makes your house of love a home.
Next comes trust, if you can't trust someone then you shouldn't be with them, simple as that. As soon as your level of trust for another person breaks, then the relationship breaks. Trust not only means trusting in your partner not to cheat on you, but it also means trusting in them to keep even your deepest most darkest secrets. In other words, if you tell your partner something, they should be able to keep it to themselves no matter what.
Dependability--Another key for your healthy relationship. Your partner should be someone who is always there for you. Lasting relationship are built on just this, countability. For example, if your car breaks down on the side of the road at 4am, you want to be damn sure that that your partner will come and get you. It doesn't matter if they are asleep or sick, you need to know that they will be there.
Communication/listening-- If you can't communicate with each other then the relationship is doomed. You have to share with one another your feelings. I don't care if you are an open person or not, communication is key to any relationship. Listening is also important. You can talk all day long, but at the end of the day, you have to be able to sit down and take in everything your partner says. And when I say listen, I mean truly listen. "The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words."
Humor--is the best medicine. You have to be able to laugh and play with each other. You also have to be able to learn to laugh at yourselves and your mistakes. Humor can lighten any mood or any situation. Couples who are able to laugh with each other are the ones who make it.
There is no magical formula, secret recipe or specific set of rules to follow in order to have a great relationship. The key ingredient to having a happy and healthy relationship consists of a combination of many things. Honesty, trust, dependability, communication, and humor are all important factors when it comes to maintaining a lasting partnership. And for the most part, I feel these topics are clutch for any lasting partnership. In other words, honesty, trust, dependability, communication and humor are the bricks in the house you two are building of love and trust. And you better believe if you two can't lay this one "stupid brick down, you ain't ever gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside."
Honesty--you have to be as upfront as possible with each other even if it means hurting someones feelings. Well, maybe not that far--if your significant other asks, "Does this dress make me look fat", I guess it would be okay to not answer in complete honesty. But yes; honesty, honesty, honesty, can't live without it--it's what makes your house of love a home.
Next comes trust, if you can't trust someone then you shouldn't be with them, simple as that. As soon as your level of trust for another person breaks, then the relationship breaks. Trust not only means trusting in your partner not to cheat on you, but it also means trusting in them to keep even your deepest most darkest secrets. In other words, if you tell your partner something, they should be able to keep it to themselves no matter what.
Dependability--Another key for your healthy relationship. Your partner should be someone who is always there for you. Lasting relationship are built on just this, countability. For example, if your car breaks down on the side of the road at 4am, you want to be damn sure that that your partner will come and get you. It doesn't matter if they are asleep or sick, you need to know that they will be there.
Communication/listening-- If you can't communicate with each other then the relationship is doomed. You have to share with one another your feelings. I don't care if you are an open person or not, communication is key to any relationship. Listening is also important. You can talk all day long, but at the end of the day, you have to be able to sit down and take in everything your partner says. And when I say listen, I mean truly listen. "The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words."
Humor--is the best medicine. You have to be able to laugh and play with each other. You also have to be able to learn to laugh at yourselves and your mistakes. Humor can lighten any mood or any situation. Couples who are able to laugh with each other are the ones who make it.
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Sunday, February 8, 2009
Valentine's Day for Couples, Singles, and everyone in between.
Advice for those who have been shot by cupid or those who are sitting this one out.
Ahhh Valentine's day, it's that time of year again, if you're a guy, you want to make sure your lady feels the love. Some guys are more romantic than others, I get it, but hey you don't have to be the king of hearts to make her feel special.
First things first, you need to start the day out right. Keep it short and simple. If you're not Mr. Romance, I doubt you'll be sending your lady a love sonnet, but something of that nature could be a nice gesture. Send her a nice text or leave her a note saying something sweet and simple, like: "Hey beautiful, can't wait for tonight" or "Hey hot stuff"
Next, don't tell her what you're doing, the key here is mystery, keep her guessing (on this day)you want to surprise her. However, do tell her you have made plans, so she can have time to dress for the occasion.
As far as plans go, going to dinner or cooking dinner are both appropriate. But don't follow the norms. (do something that fits your personality and tastes). If possible, reenact your very first date. Remember the details of the past, such as the restaurant you went to on your first date. If you're going to cook dinner, don't just throw some crazy meal together, put some thought into it. Candles, wine, a fire, are all excellent backdrops for your dinner. It wouldn't hurt to throw on some light jazz or a little Sinatra as well (whatever music you find romantic).
A trail of rose petals leading to your bedroom is also very magical. Follow this up with a candle lit bedroom and some bubbly. As the champagne is chilling, go in for the kill...
The most important thing to remember here is to do something you both will enjoy. It can be as standard or as extravagant and crazy as you wish. ;)
SINGLES--- being single on Valentine's doesn't have to be that bad. Keep in mind that Valentine's day is a commerical holiday. However if you feel like Valentine's day is on steriods, and you're playing for the other team, here are some tips..
My advice to you is to act like it's any other day. Go out with single friends or
do what you normally would on any other day. If you're a girl however, being single on Valentine's day may be a little more difficult. I wouldn't recommend watching sappy romantic comedies. Make your Valentine's date your single girlfriend. Go to the spa together, or dinner. After dinner, go back and watch funny movies or make a list of all the bad qualities in all the guys you have ever dated (call it man bashing hour). Sharing a laugh over a pint of double fudge ice cream may also help--hey whatever works!
Most importantly, don't worry about it, after all, it's just another day!
Ahhh Valentine's day, it's that time of year again, if you're a guy, you want to make sure your lady feels the love. Some guys are more romantic than others, I get it, but hey you don't have to be the king of hearts to make her feel special.
First things first, you need to start the day out right. Keep it short and simple. If you're not Mr. Romance, I doubt you'll be sending your lady a love sonnet, but something of that nature could be a nice gesture. Send her a nice text or leave her a note saying something sweet and simple, like: "Hey beautiful, can't wait for tonight" or "Hey hot stuff"
Next, don't tell her what you're doing, the key here is mystery, keep her guessing (on this day)you want to surprise her. However, do tell her you have made plans, so she can have time to dress for the occasion.
As far as plans go, going to dinner or cooking dinner are both appropriate. But don't follow the norms. (do something that fits your personality and tastes). If possible, reenact your very first date. Remember the details of the past, such as the restaurant you went to on your first date. If you're going to cook dinner, don't just throw some crazy meal together, put some thought into it. Candles, wine, a fire, are all excellent backdrops for your dinner. It wouldn't hurt to throw on some light jazz or a little Sinatra as well (whatever music you find romantic).
A trail of rose petals leading to your bedroom is also very magical. Follow this up with a candle lit bedroom and some bubbly. As the champagne is chilling, go in for the kill...
The most important thing to remember here is to do something you both will enjoy. It can be as standard or as extravagant and crazy as you wish. ;)
SINGLES--- being single on Valentine's doesn't have to be that bad. Keep in mind that Valentine's day is a commerical holiday. However if you feel like Valentine's day is on steriods, and you're playing for the other team, here are some tips..
My advice to you is to act like it's any other day. Go out with single friends or
do what you normally would on any other day. If you're a girl however, being single on Valentine's day may be a little more difficult. I wouldn't recommend watching sappy romantic comedies. Make your Valentine's date your single girlfriend. Go to the spa together, or dinner. After dinner, go back and watch funny movies or make a list of all the bad qualities in all the guys you have ever dated (call it man bashing hour). Sharing a laugh over a pint of double fudge ice cream may also help--hey whatever works!
Most importantly, don't worry about it, after all, it's just another day!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Guys--How to spot the girl player
how to tell if she's a little on the promiscuous side..
Just as there are players, there are also a lot of these women out there. Yikes, go to a club on a Friday night, you'll see one after the other. And yes-- that's probably one of the first signs she may be on that list. If the girl is always out, chatting it up with different guys, being extremely flirty, then my guess is she just might be a bit promiscuous. However, don't get me wrong there are girls who go out, and have fun with friends, I'm one of them, but believe I'm not going to be 1-dancing "all up on" some dude I don't know. 2-Giving my number to every guy that asks for it (this is where the fake number scenario comes into play) Ladies who are on the loose side, will do all of the above.
Secondly, she knows too many guys, just like the player this girl has guy friends and a ton of them. Yes, some girls have guy friends, but they don't flirt with them. Promiscuous girls flirt with all guys. Promiscuous girls are also very insecure and love attention from the opposite sex.
Another thing about promiscuous women, is that they are very open about sex. I'm not saying she has be to a total prude. But look guys, if she's a good girl, she's not going to be talking about sex with you right off the bat--no way in hell, especially if the two of you have never had relations before. The good girl will definitely be a "lady in the streets."
Next, she like the player has numerous calls which she sends to voicemail or even better she has a passcode on her phone. She's the only person who looks at your phone, who keeps a passcode on it? Unless she works for the CIA--why does she need a secret code? My guess- she has a fear you will see it, and see all the texts/ phone calls from numerous men.
So, now your semi-dating the girl. Another possible way to tell if she's promiscuous is, She won’t share her “Magic Number” (how many people she's been with). Face it, if your into the girl, and you two are becoming serious, she would probably tell you. If she hasn't slept with many people she will be proud of it--and in most cases want to share. "Hey, yes I've slept with 3 guys", but the promiscuous girl will tell you that it's personal and she would rather not say. And yes, it is personal, but I'll repeat what I said before, numbers are low, she will tell.
Finally, listen to your buddies, this is a big one. And when I say buddy, I mean a really good friend. Your close buddy is going to have your best interest at heart, trust his basic instincts if he tells you your girl seems promiscuous.
Just as there are players, there are also a lot of these women out there. Yikes, go to a club on a Friday night, you'll see one after the other. And yes-- that's probably one of the first signs she may be on that list. If the girl is always out, chatting it up with different guys, being extremely flirty, then my guess is she just might be a bit promiscuous. However, don't get me wrong there are girls who go out, and have fun with friends, I'm one of them, but believe I'm not going to be 1-dancing "all up on" some dude I don't know. 2-Giving my number to every guy that asks for it (this is where the fake number scenario comes into play) Ladies who are on the loose side, will do all of the above.
Secondly, she knows too many guys, just like the player this girl has guy friends and a ton of them. Yes, some girls have guy friends, but they don't flirt with them. Promiscuous girls flirt with all guys. Promiscuous girls are also very insecure and love attention from the opposite sex.
Another thing about promiscuous women, is that they are very open about sex. I'm not saying she has be to a total prude. But look guys, if she's a good girl, she's not going to be talking about sex with you right off the bat--no way in hell, especially if the two of you have never had relations before. The good girl will definitely be a "lady in the streets."
Next, she like the player has numerous calls which she sends to voicemail or even better she has a passcode on her phone. She's the only person who looks at your phone, who keeps a passcode on it? Unless she works for the CIA--why does she need a secret code? My guess- she has a fear you will see it, and see all the texts/ phone calls from numerous men.
So, now your semi-dating the girl. Another possible way to tell if she's promiscuous is, She won’t share her “Magic Number” (how many people she's been with). Face it, if your into the girl, and you two are becoming serious, she would probably tell you. If she hasn't slept with many people she will be proud of it--and in most cases want to share. "Hey, yes I've slept with 3 guys", but the promiscuous girl will tell you that it's personal and she would rather not say. And yes, it is personal, but I'll repeat what I said before, numbers are low, she will tell.
Finally, listen to your buddies, this is a big one. And when I say buddy, I mean a really good friend. Your close buddy is going to have your best interest at heart, trust his basic instincts if he tells you your girl seems promiscuous.
Signs shes not into you
Tell tell signs that she has absolutely no interest in you..
Just not sure if she's interested in being more than friends? She's the girl of your dreams, she's into all the same things you are, you like hanging out, she's hot, and best of all you think she might be interested in you.
For starters, depending how long the two of you have been hanging out, she probably already has some inclination as to whether or not you're interested in her. Unless the two of you have been hanging out, and she thinks you only see her as a friend, she probably already has some clue.
One sign is that she always throws the friend card on you. Don't mistake words like, "you're such a great friend, or "I don't know what I'd do without you" for "God, I'm so into you when will you get it already?" These words mean just that, you're my guy friend and I have no interest in dating you.
Sure, in some cases the girl will wake up and realize nice + friends + dependable + honest +always there for me-- why not date _____ (fill your name in here.) However, my bet is that she will forever have you pegged in her friend category. And in most cases, guys and girls a like, you do not mix the two. Friends in category A, Dating/relationships in Category B-- you get it?If you're really into this girl, and she's giving you weird signs, ask her. My motto to everything is simply that, "when in doubt, ask." I'm pretty sure it won't ruin the friendship forever, she may be taken back by it, but I doubt she will run to the hills screaming in horror. If she is a girl with any class, she will be flattered, tell you how she feels, and act like the conversation never happened.
Next is, have you tried to kiss her? If so, did she kiss you back? My guess is if she turned her head or gave you a cheek, she isn't into you. I can tell you this much, in my experiences, if the situation isn't too soon, she'll kiss you if she's into you. Also, is she sleeping with you? You best believe this as well-- if you have known her for a while, and she's not sleeping with you, buddy she ain't into you. YES some woman are floozies, and will sleep with anyone, but there are a few out there, who have morals, standards, and expectations. (see previous post on promiscuous women) She probably trusts you enough by this point and realizes your an A rated guy. "If she's not sleeping with you, she's just not that into you" --end of story.
Just not sure if she's interested in being more than friends? She's the girl of your dreams, she's into all the same things you are, you like hanging out, she's hot, and best of all you think she might be interested in you.
For starters, depending how long the two of you have been hanging out, she probably already has some inclination as to whether or not you're interested in her. Unless the two of you have been hanging out, and she thinks you only see her as a friend, she probably already has some clue.
One sign is that she always throws the friend card on you. Don't mistake words like, "you're such a great friend, or "I don't know what I'd do without you" for "God, I'm so into you when will you get it already?" These words mean just that, you're my guy friend and I have no interest in dating you.
Sure, in some cases the girl will wake up and realize nice + friends + dependable + honest +always there for me-- why not date _____ (fill your name in here.) However, my bet is that she will forever have you pegged in her friend category. And in most cases, guys and girls a like, you do not mix the two. Friends in category A, Dating/relationships in Category B-- you get it?If you're really into this girl, and she's giving you weird signs, ask her. My motto to everything is simply that, "when in doubt, ask." I'm pretty sure it won't ruin the friendship forever, she may be taken back by it, but I doubt she will run to the hills screaming in horror. If she is a girl with any class, she will be flattered, tell you how she feels, and act like the conversation never happened.
Next is, have you tried to kiss her? If so, did she kiss you back? My guess is if she turned her head or gave you a cheek, she isn't into you. I can tell you this much, in my experiences, if the situation isn't too soon, she'll kiss you if she's into you. Also, is she sleeping with you? You best believe this as well-- if you have known her for a while, and she's not sleeping with you, buddy she ain't into you. YES some woman are floozies, and will sleep with anyone, but there are a few out there, who have morals, standards, and expectations. (see previous post on promiscuous women) She probably trusts you enough by this point and realizes your an A rated guy. "If she's not sleeping with you, she's just not that into you" --end of story.
Friday, February 6, 2009
How to be an instant man repellent
Rest assured these habits will have him running faaast!
Ever wonder if you have any habits that will send a man running faster than Usan Bolt? Well every guy is different, but I've been friends with enough guys to tell you the following will have him running at lightening speeds...
First off, drop your story. Do not be a man basher. He doesn't want to hear about what a looser your ex was, or how all men are dogs-- he is a man remember. A date is not Mr. Roger's story-telling time to bash every man who has done you wrong. If you want to talk about your crappy ex's then seek your girlfriends for ventilation.
Another bad habit is constantly calling to see where he is, what he's doing, or how he's doing. --Believe me he's fine. I know women have the tendency to call or text a lot, it's in our nature. I know I do, heck I'll text my friends to describe a wacky outfit someone is wearing, because I feel like they should know. Note to self: don't do this with him--at least the calling and checking on him part. Guys are programmed differently than us in case you have figured that out yet.
Next, do not bash yourself. Look, if he didn't find you appealing he wouldn't be dating you, taking you to dinner, or asking you out. Do not talk about your flaws to him it's an instant repellent. More than likely he thinks your a beautiful person inside and out if he's with you. Women have a tendency to be their own worst critic, drop this habit with him and forever!
And then there is the squirmish subject of talking about your future together. Now, if you have been dating the guy for a notable amount of time, it's fine to ask, you need to know (notable: as in years). It's also okay to ask a guy your status (if it's unclear). But long term future plans, such as: Christmas dinner when it's only April, will send a man running faster than you can say marriage. I like the quote, "If you want guarantees in love, then you don't want love." Relax, take your time, have fun with each other, enjoy the company, time will tell what the future holds.
Finally, not listening to him will leave him sprinting as well. When I say listening, I mean truly taking interest in his thoughts, opinions, likes/dislikes. I can grant you this, if you don't appear interested in him, he sure as hell will no longer be interested in you. Hey, we want our men to truly listen to us, we should listen to them too. Don't be a self absorbed chick, if this is the case, then honey you don't need a man, you need a mirror.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Weeding out the Garden (aka picking the players from the nice guys)
Players (the other species of man)
In my previous post, I mentioned something called a "Dating Garden". In this garden, you need to sort the roses from the weeds/leaves (players and dirtbags). Here it goes..
In my experiences, with guys, many of them are players. Some of them you will notice right off the bat, others will be a little more clever about it. Here are some signs on how to spot this species of man. (notice I said species, bc in my book, this guy is of a totally different class)
First things first. Where did you meet the guy? Because my guess is if you met him in a bar, his player status is a little questionable. Lots of times guys travel with a few friends to bars, thats normal. However, if they aren't watching the game, catching up with old friends from out of town, or having a drink with co-workers to wind down after work/class, girl, you best believe he's at that bar "chasing-ass." You and I both know it, we just want to think that Mr. Swagger was soley put in that bar for us. This is where you're wrong.
Secondly, how does he approach you? Is he shy, is he outspoken? Now I realize that some guys are more talkative than others, however, if he comes on too suave or too strong, watch out. Nice guys want come on like Joe Cool or ask for your number instantly.
Okay, say you didn't meet the guy in a bar, and you're about to go out with him, or have been dating for a brief period --then listen carefully. How romantic he is? I'm a Pisces (aka, the most romantic sign in the zodiac) yet, even I think some things are a touch over board. Girl, if you find that he is more romantic than cupid on steriods, then his player status is suspect. As women we all want our guys to have a little romance running through their veins, but in the beginning Mr. Player will be so gushy, you'll think everyday is Valentine's. (Notice how I said in the beginning, because these guys don't stick around that long.)
Next, he has way too many friends of the opposite sex. The player likes attention, and a lot of it. These "friends" are usually people with whom the player has played but who haven't had the brains to get rid of him or her. (BC he's still probably playing them too) There's nothing wrong with having friends of both sexes, but when a man or a woman has only friends of the opposite sex, it's very odd. You'll notice this off the bat too, his phone will ring constantly, and most likely he'll send the person straight to voicemail. Why? --well, it was probably Jane, Rita, Susan, Kate, or one of his many other women (poor gals).
How does the guy feel about his past relationships? Does he 1- seem cold or uncaring? Most people with a conscience feel bad about hurting someone's feelings. The player on the other hand, has no shame. Of course, the player will profess that he hates hurting others feelings, but his actions will be completely the opposite.
Are you familiar with the song whose lyrics go, "you're hot and you're cold, yes then you're no?" Well, Mr. Player's actions will be just this. One minute he'll tell you you're sooo amazing and you are the perfect girl, the next, he'll disappear for a while, or suggest the two of you should start seeing other people. They want you to be there for them, but they want their freedom, too. And any man who wants to truly be with you, I guarantee you will know it, no questions asked.
On that note, the player will be extremely vague when he starts to "play". He may even lie about what he's doing all together. Note: A player is not an honest person. In fact, lying is almost second nature to them. A good player might have the brains to write everything down and remember all the little lies he has told you. However, a bad one will just forget what he told you the night before they had to go visit a with his high school buddy and when you ask about the friend they tell you that he or she is on vacation.
Lastly, a little note about players. Usually a player becomes a player because of pure insecurity. Are they happy with their life? Are they happy with themselves and the person they are? Have they gotten over their past long-term relationship? If someone is over the age of 30 and has never had a long term relationship, that's a huge red flag. They don't want one. They are happy being single, they have no sympathy for anyones feelings but their own, and they will always be content because they can play the field. Also don't think that players are just men, because they can be women too. These women are just as bad as the male player.
In my previous post, I mentioned something called a "Dating Garden". In this garden, you need to sort the roses from the weeds/leaves (players and dirtbags). Here it goes..
In my experiences, with guys, many of them are players. Some of them you will notice right off the bat, others will be a little more clever about it. Here are some signs on how to spot this species of man. (notice I said species, bc in my book, this guy is of a totally different class)
First things first. Where did you meet the guy? Because my guess is if you met him in a bar, his player status is a little questionable. Lots of times guys travel with a few friends to bars, thats normal. However, if they aren't watching the game, catching up with old friends from out of town, or having a drink with co-workers to wind down after work/class, girl, you best believe he's at that bar "chasing-ass." You and I both know it, we just want to think that Mr. Swagger was soley put in that bar for us. This is where you're wrong.
Secondly, how does he approach you? Is he shy, is he outspoken? Now I realize that some guys are more talkative than others, however, if he comes on too suave or too strong, watch out. Nice guys want come on like Joe Cool or ask for your number instantly.
Okay, say you didn't meet the guy in a bar, and you're about to go out with him, or have been dating for a brief period --then listen carefully. How romantic he is? I'm a Pisces (aka, the most romantic sign in the zodiac) yet, even I think some things are a touch over board. Girl, if you find that he is more romantic than cupid on steriods, then his player status is suspect. As women we all want our guys to have a little romance running through their veins, but in the beginning Mr. Player will be so gushy, you'll think everyday is Valentine's. (Notice how I said in the beginning, because these guys don't stick around that long.)
Next, he has way too many friends of the opposite sex. The player likes attention, and a lot of it. These "friends" are usually people with whom the player has played but who haven't had the brains to get rid of him or her. (BC he's still probably playing them too) There's nothing wrong with having friends of both sexes, but when a man or a woman has only friends of the opposite sex, it's very odd. You'll notice this off the bat too, his phone will ring constantly, and most likely he'll send the person straight to voicemail. Why? --well, it was probably Jane, Rita, Susan, Kate, or one of his many other women (poor gals).
How does the guy feel about his past relationships? Does he 1- seem cold or uncaring? Most people with a conscience feel bad about hurting someone's feelings. The player on the other hand, has no shame. Of course, the player will profess that he hates hurting others feelings, but his actions will be completely the opposite.
Are you familiar with the song whose lyrics go, "you're hot and you're cold, yes then you're no?" Well, Mr. Player's actions will be just this. One minute he'll tell you you're sooo amazing and you are the perfect girl, the next, he'll disappear for a while, or suggest the two of you should start seeing other people. They want you to be there for them, but they want their freedom, too. And any man who wants to truly be with you, I guarantee you will know it, no questions asked.
On that note, the player will be extremely vague when he starts to "play". He may even lie about what he's doing all together. Note: A player is not an honest person. In fact, lying is almost second nature to them. A good player might have the brains to write everything down and remember all the little lies he has told you. However, a bad one will just forget what he told you the night before they had to go visit a with his high school buddy and when you ask about the friend they tell you that he or she is on vacation.
Lastly, a little note about players. Usually a player becomes a player because of pure insecurity. Are they happy with their life? Are they happy with themselves and the person they are? Have they gotten over their past long-term relationship? If someone is over the age of 30 and has never had a long term relationship, that's a huge red flag. They don't want one. They are happy being single, they have no sympathy for anyones feelings but their own, and they will always be content because they can play the field. Also don't think that players are just men, because they can be women too. These women are just as bad as the male player.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
So your heart was broken, now what?
Before you jump back into the game, make a "dating garden"
Let's face it, after a heart break, it's not so easy to jump back into the game. Of course, a rebound is one thing, but a truly meaningful relationship with someone new takes time.
This time around you need to protect yourself, protect your heart, but don't guard yourself so much to where you miss out on great opportunities. No one said it would be easy to jump back into the game. Sure, there will be cases where you compare every guy you date to your ex. You'll think you are a big girl, then hear songs that remind you of him and burst into an April shower of tears. It's okay, but remember one thing: You are a beautiful person inside and out, he's the sorry sap who left you. He my dear deserves no longer to be racing around in that pretty little head of yours - forget him.
Unless he's calling or emailing you everyday begging for you back - forget him. If he's not contacting your friends or family members in order to proclaim what a worthless crock of you know what he was - forget him. And if he's not showing up on your door step with a bouquet of flowers singing a little love song and throwing pebbles at your window - girl, forget him. And I can guarantee he's not going to be doing any of these things.
Sure, one day this poor sap may wake up and realize how much he misses you, but no longer will you be missing him. Remember, he broke up with you. I like the quote, "Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply miss able. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you."
As far as getting back into the dating game, be careful. Date guys you never thought you would date before. In other words, date guys who aren't neccessiarly your "type" because your type at one time was your ex --and look how that turned out. Sure, date guys who were like your ex and his good ways, but scratch them off, if they remotely resemble his bad habits. Because remember their is a reason he's called the ex. (X)
Take things slowly, weed out the players from the truly genuine guys. Believe me, it's not terribly hard to decipher. Pretend you are in a dating garden. Pick the nice guys first, just as you would the tulips in your garden. As far as the dirt bags and players go, hack them up like you would weeds or leaves that disrupt your beautiful garden. Simply rake them up or pull them out and dispose of them! Once you have seen one player, you've seen them all. Get your girlfriends opinions of these guys, they won't steer you wrong. I'm sure they probably tried to tell you about your jerky ex (X), you just didn't listen!!
When your a single gal, you'll start to notice all types of guys, that you never knew existed when you were "taken." Heck, being single can be a fun experience, after all you get to sit back and laugh at all the jerks who attempt to pick you up. Little do they know, you have one up on them, you've got there number all figured out, right? Just remember to make your dating garden, and watch out for the roses with the thorns!
There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
Playing the waiting game can be as frustrating as hell, believe me, I know. I'm a very inpatient person. I've learned to deal, however, no longer do I panic at the sight of traffic, long lines, or finding the perfect guy for that matter.
Remember the old saying, "Good things come to those who wait?" However, waiting doesn't mean waiting it out with a dead end relationship nor does it mean dating guy after guy in hopes that somewhere the "grass is greener." If you are hanging on to a relationship for the shear fact of being in a relationship, you are wrong. You can not teach an old dog new tricks, I repeat you can not teach an old dog new tricks. Get it? - Good, make this a rule to live by.
Also don't get back together with a guy/girl that can't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. "There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend." ..as long as you can wait it out. :)
Remember the old saying, "Good things come to those who wait?" However, waiting doesn't mean waiting it out with a dead end relationship nor does it mean dating guy after guy in hopes that somewhere the "grass is greener." If you are hanging on to a relationship for the shear fact of being in a relationship, you are wrong. You can not teach an old dog new tricks, I repeat you can not teach an old dog new tricks. Get it? - Good, make this a rule to live by.
Also don't get back together with a guy/girl that can't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. "There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend." ..as long as you can wait it out. :)
Monday, February 2, 2009
The Hell with Rules!!
If you live by any rules then make sure you know this one: "The golden rule is there are no golden rules." Rules, rules, rules, they will make you crazy! Rules don't work, never have, especially in relationships. Remember those rules your mother, older sister, or even grandmother told you? Go ahead and burn them too like you did your "perfect man" checklist. Here are a few for starters: never call a man, never make the first move, don't have sex on the first date, and don't invite a man up to your place.
If you however call I guy after the first date out of desperation, I guarantee he will know this, and be turned off or if you are a control freak who immediately as to know if he is interested in you, then no, you shouldn't call him first. However, if you are calling because you had a truly enjoyable time, and want to tell him so, then go ahead.
Another topic you can't put rules or guidelines on is: sex on the first date. If you are having sex when you are clear and centered on the first date, it can be okay. However, if you are drunk, or having sex ass a manipulation tool and not for a fun exlierating experience, then don't. Men are not stupid they know what you're doing. When it doubt, wait.
Don't get me wrong however, there are times when these rules absolutley do not work. It all depends on how grounded and centered you are. You can break every rule in the book as long as you aren't doing it for all the wrong reasons. In my opinon, you don't need rules, you need truth. Just be honest with who you are, and secure enough to make self expression. Be true to yourself and your partner and you will not need rules!
If you however call I guy after the first date out of desperation, I guarantee he will know this, and be turned off or if you are a control freak who immediately as to know if he is interested in you, then no, you shouldn't call him first. However, if you are calling because you had a truly enjoyable time, and want to tell him so, then go ahead.
Another topic you can't put rules or guidelines on is: sex on the first date. If you are having sex when you are clear and centered on the first date, it can be okay. However, if you are drunk, or having sex ass a manipulation tool and not for a fun exlierating experience, then don't. Men are not stupid they know what you're doing. When it doubt, wait.
Don't get me wrong however, there are times when these rules absolutley do not work. It all depends on how grounded and centered you are. You can break every rule in the book as long as you aren't doing it for all the wrong reasons. In my opinon, you don't need rules, you need truth. Just be honest with who you are, and secure enough to make self expression. Be true to yourself and your partner and you will not need rules!
The mythical Mr. Right and the Ridiculous checklist.
I often ponder the question, as I am sure many singles do, "Is there really someone out there for all of us?" The answer: Sure there is, if we just wait for them. I like to think so, however, the person you end up dating or having a lasting relationship is going to be different than you or your expectations.
I used to have a friend, (we'll call her Jane). My friend Jane always had a "perfect man checklist". I like to call this guy the mythical Mr. Right. You know who this guy/girl is. He is the ideal version of the person you wish to date. Of course, no mortal man can hope to compete!
My friend (Jane) had this mental check list of this so-called Mr. Right. He had to be tall, have dark hair, play the guitar, play tennis, paint, the list went on and on. For years Jane remained single, because no man met all of the checklist characteristics. In other words, he was a made-up man in her mind, not a real man in her bed. For years Jane overlooked great guys who were nice, well-rounded, and great boyfriend material. Heck some of them even played tennis/guitar or whatever outlandish qualities she had on "the list."
When it came down to it, Jane was caught in a mythical world in which she thought prince charming was going to come and take her away on a white horse. Of course this prince charming must have dark hair and paint. Jane thought all of these things would make her happy, but turns out none of them did. Finally, one day Jane woke up and realized that this guy may not exist, and in order to discover something truly exciting, she had to burn her perfect man check list. I feel that we have to be willing to let go of what we perceive will make us happy in order to discover something that will in reality make us happy.
I don't think their truly is a "Mr. Right." How do we know what IS truly right for us? Is it possible that every relationship we have--no matter how brief--brings about a new lesson to be learned and a chance for us to grow?
I don't think we can put limitations on who we date, love, or even marry. However, I believe one thing is for certain-- lasting relationships all have one thing in common, and they definitely never involved checklists!
My advice to you is to go ahead and burn your "Mr. Right check-list", now and forever!
I used to have a friend, (we'll call her Jane). My friend Jane always had a "perfect man checklist". I like to call this guy the mythical Mr. Right. You know who this guy/girl is. He is the ideal version of the person you wish to date. Of course, no mortal man can hope to compete!
My friend (Jane) had this mental check list of this so-called Mr. Right. He had to be tall, have dark hair, play the guitar, play tennis, paint, the list went on and on. For years Jane remained single, because no man met all of the checklist characteristics. In other words, he was a made-up man in her mind, not a real man in her bed. For years Jane overlooked great guys who were nice, well-rounded, and great boyfriend material. Heck some of them even played tennis/guitar or whatever outlandish qualities she had on "the list."
When it came down to it, Jane was caught in a mythical world in which she thought prince charming was going to come and take her away on a white horse. Of course this prince charming must have dark hair and paint. Jane thought all of these things would make her happy, but turns out none of them did. Finally, one day Jane woke up and realized that this guy may not exist, and in order to discover something truly exciting, she had to burn her perfect man check list. I feel that we have to be willing to let go of what we perceive will make us happy in order to discover something that will in reality make us happy.
I don't think their truly is a "Mr. Right." How do we know what IS truly right for us? Is it possible that every relationship we have--no matter how brief--brings about a new lesson to be learned and a chance for us to grow?
I don't think we can put limitations on who we date, love, or even marry. However, I believe one thing is for certain-- lasting relationships all have one thing in common, and they definitely never involved checklists!
My advice to you is to go ahead and burn your "Mr. Right check-list", now and forever!
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